I Fought As Hard As I Could Today, But Still Lost!

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I fought as hard as I could today, but still lost!

Blog For Mental Health Campaign also has some great posts on this subject.

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Some days I’m just so depressed that I fight very hard to make it stop.

It was just a dark day!


 Today I fought very hard to feel better, but just never did.  I tried having positive thoughts, and thinking of all my blessings, playing with my dogs, but nothing helped.  I just felt like crying and sitting and doing nothing.  To top it off, it was cloudy all day, which always makes my depression worse.

A Little Background –

I’ve had depression since I can remember.  I’m pretty sure I had it even back in grade school.  I remember just wanting to melt into the floor so the teacher wouldn’t call on me.  I got made fun of by other kids and I just didn’t want to be noticed.  As I look back I think it all started when my parents got divorced.  I was 5.  I’m not saying I blame them, at all, I just think that’s when it started.

So anyway, I’ve had depression a long time. Several years ago, my therapist diagnosed me with clinical depression.  She put me on anti-depressants.(Prozac)  The only time I haven’t been on them was when I was pregnant.  I have 5 children.

Now I take Paxil.  I don’t even remember when it was changed.  I’ve been to several therapists.  And the one I go to now, prescribes that.  I also have bad anxiety, but I don’t take anything for that now.  I used to take Xanax but I hated it, so I stopped.

I have really bad fatigue too.  I fall asleep several times a day. I hate it so much!  I’ll be sitting here typing, and I just can’t hold my eyes open.  I have a hard time getting up and cleaning and cooking and everything.  I do as little as possible each day.  I mean, things get done, just not as much as I’d like.

I don’t even call my family members or friends because I don’t want to talk to anyone. Don’t get me wrong I love them very much and everything is good between us. We all live in different states and I barely get to see everyone. I’m lucky to see them at Christmas every year. I can’t explain why I don’t want to talk on the phone. I just get anxiety when I think about calling them or when the phone rings and I see it’s one of them. I almost always answer when they call me and I’m always so glad afterwards. I just don’t know why I can’t just call them!

It’s not just family members that I can’t talk to on the phone. If I have to call the Dr. to make an appointment or someone else for something, I just put if off until I just can’t wait any longer! I wish I knew what causes this.

If you think you might have depression, you should talk to a Dr. about it. The anti-depressants really do help. I think my dosage needs to be added to. Not getting help can be life threatening. Over one out of 10 people that have it, commit suicide.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

1. Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

2. Fatigue and decreased energy

3. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

4. Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

5. Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

6. Irritability, restlessness

7.  Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

8.  Overeating or appetite loss

9. Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

10. Persistent sad, anxious, or empty feelings

11. Thoughts of suicide, and attempts

Watch for more posts on this subject as the days go by.

If you have any thoughts about depression and anxiety, feel free to leave a comment.  Or if you just need someone to talk to.  I don’t feel that bad every day.  Some days are just worse than others.

 I reply to comments, so if you want, just check the box next to one of the Notify buttons.

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Posted in Depression, Mental Health
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9 comments on “I Fought As Hard As I Could Today, But Still Lost!
  1. Kathie Craig says:

    I was diagnosed with Dysthymia (Chronic Depression) in 1996 or 1997. I believe my depression started when my grandmother died. I was 13 and felt she was the only one that really loved me and she was taken away. I was taking Prozac but am taking Celexa now along with Wellbutrin. I do not feel as if the Celexa is helping and will talk to my doctor when I go back in February. I too find it difficult to make phone calls. I feel that the person on the other end will think I sound stupid. I find it exhausting when I go to the store with my kids and husband. I rarely go anywhere, though, without them. It is exhausting just trying to be “normal.” I always felt different than everyone else. I am glad that I am not alone in this!!

    • Hi Kathie, Thank you for saying this. It’s always good to know we’re not alone. I’m sorry to hear that about your grandmother. I bet that was really hard since you felt she was the only one that really loved you! I’ve just been having some really dark days this month. It feels like a dark cloud hanging over me. I hope you feel better and find some better meds then. Come back and talk anytime! Thanks so much! Jody

    • Nikki says:

      Kathie, I have dysthymia too.

      Jody, thanks for the wonderful post. I know exactly what you mean about phone anxiety!!
      Nikki recently posted..Blog for Mental Health 2014My Profile

  2. lynn buttedal says:

    Thank you for this blog. I also have depression and panic attacks. I also take Pail and do think it helps. I have had my depression for a long time but it got worse when I went through radiation and chemo for throat cancer. I am in remission now and everyone says I should be so happy and I am most days but I also have my days I dont want to get out of Pjs or bed! Its always nice to know someone else is going through same thing.

    • Hello Lynn,
      I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like you’re doing good now, I hope so! My oldest daughter starts radiation the 14th. She alread had chemo. It was for breast cancer. She has her good and bad days as far as depression goes. I hope you feel good most days! Thanks for stopping by and talking to me! Come back anytime!

  3. wendy b says:

    Thank you for the post. It always helps me when I read about other people’s struggles with depression and anxiety….I don’t feel quite so alone and different. The worst is the fatigue….doing anything feels like too much effort.
    Take care.

  4. Susan Johnson says:

    I know exactly how you feel, because I too, have had depression since childhood. I honestly don’t think anyone, psychologists and therapists included, understand how bad chronic depression is, unless they themselves have it, or they are truly, deeply compassionate people. I retreat into myself sometimes, just like you describe, and have the same trouble with phone calls or going out anywhere. If I have to go out, it is a mad rush to get done whatever it is and I’m self-conscious, sweating bullets the whole time. Sometimes, you just have really bad days. Acknowledge it, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Just ride it out and tell yourself tomorrow needs to be better.

    • Susan,
      You’re so right! I do retreat into myself. I always rush through stores too. I just want to get back home. And yes I do that, tell myself tomorrow will be better, hopefully! Thanks, stop by anytime to talk.

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